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Posh night out? Bring it on! Having found Gaucho Grill on Swallow Street a nice little alley off of Regent Street we entered already salivating at our prospective feast. A good friend had recommended the food if we weren’t scared of breaking the bank. Greeted at the door by the porter. Nice touch. Led from the door to the cloak room counter by another greeter. This is service. At the counter yet another employee steps in to ask the cloak room assistant to take our coats. Okay this is getting intense. Led downstairs by a different employee again, the fifth and counting, and shown to our seats where a waiter would cater for us from hereon in.

Lighting. Low and mellow. I like it. Interior design. Cellar with curved ceiling. Also very tasteful. So far so good. Music. Slightly strange choice of funky house beats mostly drowned out by the chatter of fellow diners. All set. Skipping the starter we happily sipped wine and sampled bread with olive oil and a selection of dips as they bought out a platter with the finest selection of Argentine steak you are likely to find this side of the equator. The platter contained one of each cut of steak available on the menu. Rump, Sirloin, Fillet and Rib Eye (see the steak menu). As the waiter kindly explained the difference between all the cuts, how they are prepared and why they are prepared in this way I couldn’t help but feel impressed by the professional service we were experiencing. This must be what it’s like to be a sheik. I could get used to this.

Having failed to come to a decision we opted to try the Gaucho sampler, a platter featuring one of each cut, between us. Each steak would of course be cooked to perfection as recommended by Adam, our friendly waiter for the evening. As is the norm with establishment of such high esteem we custom ordered each component of the meal to ensure total satisfaction. Four different sauces, chips, fries, sweet potatoe chips, roasted vegetables, humitas (an interesting Native American corn based dish) and another couple of bottles of wine while we were at it. This was as good as it gets.

Our wine duly arrived shortly followed by our main courses. Words can’t even begin to express how good the food was. For a moment I thought I’d found utopia. The feeling of bliss started to fade soon after. Our meals devoured and wash down with wine we thought it would be a good idea to order another bottle or two of wine. We’ll order it when the waiter comes to take our empty plates away. 10 minutes pass. Hmmm they must be very busy…. 20 minutes pass still no sign of anyone to clean up our table or take our order for more wine…. 30 minutes…. 40 minutes…. 50 minutes….. The trip had reared is ugly head and turned on us. Tempers were fraying at an alarming rate. I have never in my life experience such a schizophrenic meal. This had snowballed into possibly the worst meal I’d had this side of the millenium. Still the waiters and waitresses rushed by, back and forth, back and forth, seemingly in a daze and not serving anyone. Using my rudimentary knowledge of the French language I could dicipher grunts of Gallic disatifaction coming from the table behind us for similar reasons. I’m not one for making wild and unfounded accusations regarding staff attempts to keep energy levels up throughout the evening but I have my suspisions that WADA would have a field day in here.

After an hour and ten minutes a physical intervention (don’t worry it was non-aggressive) was needed to attract the attention of a waiter. Our table still piled high with dirty dishes we had come down off our buzz and felt that the wine we had initially intended to order would have been a waste. However, as is to be expected with ladies in the group, the opportunity for dessert was not to be passed up. Having ordered and had our table cleared we waited diligently for our final course. This all arrived as expected expect for one dessert which for some reason took an extra 20 minutes to come out. As it was a cold dish I am still curious as to how this could be the case.The dessert was fine but again spoiled by the wait.

The four of us were, at this stage, all slightly disgruntled and keen to leave. We received our bill, all £165 plus tips of it, paid up and left. Whilest leaving I wondered who made the decision to have five people greet us at the door and only three to run a floor of 20 odd tables. It was hard to be angry at the waiter who served us as it was clear that it was an operational issue which was entirely out of his hands. For this reason we left a small gratuity but it has to be said, despite the fine quality of the food on offer, I will never set foot in a Gaucho Grill again.

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